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December 5, 2025

By Kenze B. Kimmer

In a garish reveal at the oval office that shocked absolutely no one, Robert Franklin Kennedy Junior the Third peeled back his skin-suit mask to reveal himself as the unfathomable cosmic horror, Cthulhu.

With mouth tendrils slick and dripping with sea water, Robert-who prefers to be called R’lyeh- addressed the press, hardly impressing anyone with his new look.

The sound of his voice, however, remained much the same.

“I have always been a vessel for my dark lord,” Robert, or R’lyeh, tell us. “Since before my birth, my coming was prophesized by our elders, foretold by the Great Ones, written in the constellations.”

The tentacled Health and Human Services Secretary goes on to explain our imminent doom, but I get a text from my producers and miss most of the rest of his ramblings.

During this, I notice the photographers snap several photos that come back as abyssmal voids, leaving them in a catatonic state, eyes burnt crispy black.

Still, this does nothing to deter good journalism, and most of the press corps has their hands raised.

“Yes, Mister R’lyeh,” ABC correspondent John Dalton calls out.

R’lyeh Ferdinand Kennedy Junior the Third is quick to put John down, commenting on his atrocious proununciation. “There’s a throaty click between the R and lyeh,” the Health Secretary screeches.

“I am so sorry, sir.”

R’lyeh waves this away. “Ask your question.”

As you will see, or read I guess, this type of combative back and forth becomes the norm here at the White House press room.

“Yes, sir, but I was wondering,” John continues, “when we will see substantial reform or policy to replace the ACA? During his first term, Donald Trump promised healthcare reform, but during his campaign, said he only has concepts of a plan. Anything to add to that, my dark lord?”

R’lyeh raises his arms and shakes his fists, tentacled face writhing. “What is it with you humans and healthcare anyway? I mean half of you smoke cigarettes, and the other half smoke marijuana, but suddenly you all give a shit about having healthy meat suits? You are nothing but vessels for my Star-spawn, incubators for my endless sea of children!”

Relucantly, Fox News correspondent Peter Doolittle raises his hand. “Yes, my lord, but, being that we are all the intended vessels for your Star-spawn, wouldn’t it be prudent to keep us healthy?”

This gives R’lyeh Fabricio Kennedy much pause, his tentacled mouth wriggles, but he says nothing.

And for a second, I wonder whether that’s sea water dripping off the Health Secretary’s octopean face, or cold sweat?

Score 1, Peter Doolittle and FOX News.

0 points to dark lord Chulthu and his Star-spawn.

Seems a lose for pre- and post-natal healthcare, whether Star-spawn or human child, is a loss for everyone, man or cosmic horror.